ACT 3. SCENE III. A street. Enter ROSCOE and BARNEY with the Watch ROSCOE Be ye good men and true? BARNEY Well, they better be. ROSCOE First, who be in charge o this rag tag band o misfits? First Watchman That’d be me, Mr. Roscoe; I’d be the one that kin read an’ write. ROSCOE Come here, neighbor. Readin’ and writin’ is good thangs, but you caint toss a goat forty feet if you cain’t cipher. Second Watchman But we ain’t got no goats, Roscoe. ROSCOE Tha’ts no problem. If’n you ain’t got no goats, a small pig’ll do. Say, you three neighbors will be on night watch tonight. If’n you be a seein’ a goat or a pig, and he be lookin’ suspicious, ast him whut he be a doin’ and then see’s jus’ whut he’ll tell ya afore you let him go. Ifn’ you see a stranger by moonlight, and he commences to daince, don’t disturb his cosmic energy. If’n you here a howlin’ that shakes a chill up and down yer bones, apply them handcuffs. Second Watchman What if’n we happens upon some thief up to no darn good? ROSCOE Invite him to church on Sundy and send him away on a good mule. BARNEY If he’s a thief up to no good, he ain’t a true mountain man anyways. ROSCOE Take no notice of the moonlight and don’t go into the water fer 2 hours after you eat. Third Watchman We would rather sleep than talk; we be a knowin’ our jobs. ROSCOE Watch out closely fer drunks as you don’t want to accidently shoot one. First Watchman How will they know who we are, if’n they be a drunk? ROSCOE What do ya thank, ding bat. Tell ‘em they’re a drunk after they sober up. Watchman If we know him to be a thief, shall we not catch ‘em up and throw ‘em on the ground? ROSCOE If’n he’s a true thief, he’ll steal away from he, so jus’ don’t bother. BARNEY You have been always called a merciful man, partner. ROSCOE Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hast any honesty in him. BARNEY If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and git her to that child. Watchman What if’n the nurse is asleep and caint hear us? ROSCOE Then go in peace, for the wolf that howls in the night awakens the mornin’ dew with a rooster’s crow in the pale moonlight of a limpid pool. BARNEY 'Tis very true. ROSCOE If’n you run into Cap’n Jethro, don’t arrest ‘em if’n he’s awake. BARNEY If’n he’s asleep, don’t arrest him, neither. ROSCOE Most importantly, remember you are the Watch and whatever you be a doin’, don’t bother nobody. BARNEY Shhhhhhhhhh………………… ROSCOE Away Barney! Let’s be a leavin’ these fine men to their work. Any questions? Come, neighbour. Second Watchman Well boys, Let’s git some sleep, shall we? ROSCOE One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watchabout Mr. Jedediah's door; for the wedding being there to-morry, it could be somethin’ a happenin’ tonight. Exit ROSCOE and BARNEY
Enter OTIS and JOHN BOY OTIS What John boy! Watchman [Aside] What’s them boys up to at this here hour? OTIS John boy, wait till you be a hearin’ this! JOHN BOY I’m all ears, Otis. OTIS Stand close, fer as drunk as I am, I’m sure to tell you everthang whut happent tonight. Watchman I’m a tellin’ ya’ll, they’re up to no good. OTIS Butch jus’ paid me 20 american dollars, all at onct. JOHN BOY What rotten deed did you do to git Butch to give ye that much, Otis? OTIS You better be a sittin’ down fer this’n. Haw! Haw! Haw! JOHN BOY Go on! Whut happent? Third Watchman [Aside] I know that ‘n. He’s as honory as a copperhead. OTIS Did you hear somebody? JOHN BOY No; it was that danged weather vane on the house. OTIS Git this! Tonight, I have wooed Beulah all the time I was a callin’ her “Daisy” right thar in front of our boss Butch, his brother Cap’n Jethro, and Daisy’s intended, Abner. Haw! Haw! Haw! Butch done tol’ Jethro and Abner that Daisy an’ meet pert near ever night to do some major smoochin’. Abner thanks it was the real Daisy and tomorry durin’ the weddin’ ceremony, he’s a goin’ to do somethin’ real bad. Haw! Haw! Haw! To git back at his cheatin’ fiancée. Haw! Haw! And me an’ Butch is behind the whole thang! First Watchman Shazam! You boys is under arrest! Second Watchman We’re a takin’ ya'll up the holler to the county judge. JOHN BOY I’m innocent! I’m innocent! Second Watchman Tell ‘it to the judge, boy! OTIS How stupid kin we be, to be bested by these here idiots? JOHN BOY Who was it that said, “You cain’t fix stupid. Exit
Enter ROSCOE and BARNEY with the Watch
ROSCOE
Be ye good men and true?
BARNEY
Well, they better be.
ROSCOE
First, who be in charge o this rag tag band o misfits?
First Watchman
That’d be me, Mr. Roscoe; I’d be the one that kin read an’ write.
ROSCOE
Come here, neighbor. Readin’ and writin’ is good thangs, but you caint toss a goat forty feet if you cain’t cipher.
Second Watchman
But we ain’t got no goats, Roscoe.
ROSCOE
Tha’ts no problem. If’n you ain’t got no goats, a small pig’ll do. Say, you three neighbors will be on night watch tonight. If’n you be a seein’ a goat or a pig, and he be lookin’ suspicious, ast him whut he be a doin’ and then see’s jus’ whut he’ll tell ya afore you let him go. Ifn’ you see a stranger by moonlight, and he commences to daince, don’t disturb his cosmic energy. If’n you here a howlin’ that shakes a chill up and down yer bones, apply them handcuffs.
Second Watchman
What if’n we happens upon some thief up to no darn good?
ROSCOE
Invite him to church on Sundy and send him away on a good mule.
BARNEY
If he’s a thief up to no good, he ain’t a true mountain man anyways.
ROSCOE
Take no notice of the moonlight and don’t go into the water fer 2 hours after you eat.
Third Watchman
We would rather sleep than talk; we be a knowin’ our jobs.
ROSCOE
Watch out closely fer drunks as you don’t want to accidently shoot one.
First Watchman
How will they know who we are, if’n they be a drunk?
ROSCOE
What do ya thank, ding bat. Tell ‘em they’re a drunk after they sober up.
Watchman
If we know him to be a thief, shall we not catch ‘em up and throw ‘em on the ground?
ROSCOE
If’n he’s a true thief, he’ll steal away from he, so jus’ don’t bother.
BARNEY
You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
ROSCOE
Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hast any honesty in him.
BARNEY
If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and git her to that child.
Watchman
What if’n the nurse is asleep and caint hear us?
ROSCOE
Then go in peace, for the wolf that howls in the night awakens the mornin’ dew with a rooster’s crow in the pale moonlight of a limpid pool.
BARNEY
'Tis very true.
ROSCOE
If’n you run into Cap’n Jethro, don’t arrest ‘em if’n he’s awake.
BARNEY
If’n he’s asleep, don’t arrest him, neither.
ROSCOE
Most importantly, remember you are the Watch and whatever you be a doin’, don’t bother nobody.
BARNEY
Shhhhhhhhhh…………………
ROSCOE
Away Barney! Let’s be a leavin’ these fine men to their work. Any questions? Come, neighbour.
Second Watchman
Well boys, Let’s git some sleep, shall we?
ROSCOE
One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watchabout Mr. Jedediah's door; for the wedding being there to-morry, it could be somethin’ a happenin’ tonight.
Exit ROSCOE and BARNEY
Enter OTIS and JOHN BOY
OTIS
What John boy!
Watchman
[Aside] What’s them boys up to at this here hour?
OTIS
John boy, wait till you be a hearin’ this!
JOHN BOY
I’m all ears, Otis.
OTIS
Stand close, fer as drunk as I am, I’m sure to tell you everthang whut happent tonight.
Watchman
I’m a tellin’ ya’ll, they’re up to no good.
OTIS
Butch jus’ paid me 20 american dollars, all at onct.
JOHN BOY
What rotten deed did you do to git Butch to give ye that much, Otis?
OTIS
You better be a sittin’ down fer this’n. Haw! Haw! Haw!
JOHN BOY
Go on! Whut happent?
Third Watchman
[Aside] I know that ‘n. He’s as honory as a copperhead.
OTIS
Did you hear somebody?
JOHN BOY
No; it was that danged weather vane on the house.
OTIS
Git this! Tonight, I have wooed Beulah all the time I was a callin’ her “Daisy” right thar in front of our boss Butch, his brother Cap’n Jethro, and Daisy’s intended, Abner. Haw! Haw! Haw! Butch done tol’ Jethro and Abner that Daisy an’ meet pert near ever night to do some major smoochin’. Abner thanks it was the real Daisy and tomorry durin’ the weddin’ ceremony, he’s a goin’ to do somethin’ real bad. Haw! Haw! Haw! To git back at his cheatin’ fiancée. Haw! Haw! And me an’ Butch is behind the whole thang!
First Watchman
Shazam! You boys is under arrest!
Second Watchman
We’re a takin’ ya'll up the holler to the county judge.
JOHN BOY
I’m innocent! I’m innocent!
Second Watchman
Tell ‘it to the judge, boy!
OTIS
How stupid kin we be, to be bested by these here idiots?
JOHN BOY
Who was it that said, “You cain’t fix stupid.
Exit