ACT 2. SCENE III. Front of Jedediah's House. Enter BUBBA BUBBA I jus’ ain’t believin’ how Abner kin jus’ lose all o' his good sense in one day. Ever since I know'd him, him and me has seen eye to eye when it comes to women. He, out a all people ought to understand that one woman ain’t never enuff for any man. Wher did I go wrong. It twernt that long ago when you could count on Abner to have yer back in a fight. Ta go fishin’ or huntin’ with ya at the drop of a hat. I remember when he’d walk five miles just to see a new litter of bird dogs. Why nobody in these here parts is half as good with a gun as Abner. And now, what’s to become o' that ol’ boy. He’s spendin’ his time writin’ love letters and a warin’ his Sundy shoes. If’n you wast to tell me that a woman coulda wrapped that boy around her little panky and pulled him around by that big ol’ nose o' his, I’d a calt you a big fat lar! One woman is perty, I understand; another is smart, I’m OK with that, too, another pure as the driven snow, that’s a fine quality, too; but till all good qualities be in one woman, one woman shall never catch Bubba Washburn. (pause) Rich she must be, that's certain; wise, or I can’t stand to be around her; perty, or I'll never look at her; sweet, or come not near me, be able to play the banjo or fiddle, that’d be nice, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! Cap’n Jethro and Monsieur Love! I’ll hide afor they be a seein’ me. Withdraws Enter JETHRO, ABNER, and JEDEDIAH JETHRO Come, sang us a song, Elvis? ABNER I’ll say it is a perty day fer some music. JETHRO See you whar Bubba hast done hid? Enter ELVIS with Music JETHRO Come, Elvis, we'll hear that song again. ELVIS Shucks, Cap’n, don’t make me sang agin. You know I can’t really sang. JETHRO Don’t be that way, Elvis. I tell everbody I see, “That Elvis is one dang good sanger!” ELVIS Well, don’t say I didn’t warn ye, here goes nuthin’. BUBBA Please don’t be one o them darn love songs. Anythang but that. The Song ELVIS Listen ladies, gather 'round Men aint nuthin' but liars. If'n ya try to sweet talk them They'll tangle ya up like briars. They caint never make up thar minds Don't matter if yer ugly or purty. So blow your nose an wipe yor eyes An' call 'em somethin' dirty. Pine no more, I say pine no more 'Cuz fellers is rotten and mean. It's been that way since they wuz made; A goodern I aint nerver seen. JETHRO What did I tell ye. Dang good job, Elvis. We appreciate it. ELVIS I tol’ you I twernt no sanger. JETHRO You done good, Elvis. BUBBA If’n he’d been a dog that howled that bad, they’d done hanged him. Exit ELVIS Now what were you a sayin’, JEDEDIAH. What was it you told me the other day, that your niece Violet was in love with Mr. Bubba? ABNER I woulda never believed that that woman would be in love with any man. JEDEDIAH No, no, I neither; but ain’t it most peculiar that she would fall in love with Bubba Washburn who she pretends to hate like a two headed mule. ABNER Is't possible? JEDEDIAH From what I heerd, she’s got it bad fer Bubba. JETHRO Maybe the whole thang is just a lie? JEDEDIAH I say NO WAY, Jethro, that girl possesses the most passion of any woman I ever met. JETHRO Why, what effects of passion does she show? ABNER Bait the hook well; this fish will bite. JEDEDIAH What effects, Cap’n? You tell me, you heerd my daughter tell you how. ABNER She shore did. JETHRO I can’t believe whut you jus’ tol’ me. That’s AMAZING! BUBBA I should thank this be a trick, but ol’ Pappy Jedediah always speaks the truth. ABNER He’s a fallin’ for it, don’t stop now. JETHRO Jedediah, hast Violet done tol’ Bubba how much she loves him? JEDEDIAH Heck No; and swars she never will: that thar’s her torment. ABNER 'Tis true, indeed; even Daisy tells me that Violet says she'd sher nuff die if’n Bubba finds out. JEDEDIAH Beulah done tol’ me that Violet sits up in her bed ever night, tryin’ to write Bubba a letter to tell him, but just can’t do it. ABNER He probly couldn’t read it a anyway. JEDEDIAH After she writes the letter, my daughter says Violet tears it into 1000 pieces. ABNER Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; "O sweet Bubba! Why can’t I tell you that I love you?” JEDEDIAH She dost indeed; my daughter says so. JETHRO It would be a shame if Bubba was ta find out about it from someone else, other than Violet. ABNER No matter who he finds out from, he’d jus’ make fun o' her and move on. JETHRO That would be a shame, cause she’s deep down a good, sweet lady, fit for a king. ABNER Smart too! JETHRO Smart about everthang but cept lovin’ Bubba. ABNER Daisy thanks surely she will die; for she says she will die, if he don’t love her back, and she will die, if’n she make her love known, and she will die, if he woos her. Therefore, she will jus’ keep actin’ like she hates him. JETHRO I can’t say as I blame her. He would jus’ scorn her. He is disagreeable, honory, moody as a mockin’ bird. ABNER But, he does have him some potential. JETHRO He looks good. ABNER He is perty intelligient. JETHRO He can be good fer a good laugh er two. ABNER And he ain’t afeerd o nuthin’. JETHRO Yer right fer sure. Bubba does have him a passle o good qualities. Well I fer one am sorry fer your niece. Should we go find Bubba, and tell him of her love? ABNER Jethro, we can’t never tell ‘im. It’s jus’ not our place to. Out of respect for that lovely Violet. JEDEDIAH I jus’ hope she tells him afor it’s too late. JETHRO Bubba’s a great guy, but I wish he could see how much he has done hurt such a good person. JEDEDIAH Oh well Cap’n. It’s time to eat. Let’s go on in. Bubba and Violet are really none of our business, anyways. ABNER If he ain’t hooked, cleaned, and fried, then I don’t know how to catch fish. JETHRO Now let’s leave the rest to Daisy, Beulah, and Sally Ann. Exit JETHRO, ABNER, and JEDEDIAH BUBBA [Coming forward] This can’t be no trick. They didn’t know I was a hid’n over there. They gots theys information from Daisy who wouldn’t lie. They seem to genuinely pity Violet: it. It must all be true. She must Love me! But why? I’m a thankin’ I might love her too. Now I been a hearin’ about what they was a sayin’ about me. You know, about how I been mean to Violet, and likes to make fun o' her and such, and how I always been one to like the ladies, and how I sher likes to go a huntin’ and fishin’ whenever I git a hankerin’. And I reckon I’m guilty o' makin’ fun o' men who gits themselves married when they catch a big case o' the stupids. I would imagine if’n I marry Violet, they’ll be a makin’ fun o' me fer all them hateful thangs I been a sayin’. But heck. Don’t a man change his mind some time? Sher, I know'd I done said that I’d rather die than take a wife, but when I said that, I didn’t know I’d live long enuff to git married. What does it matter whut them varmints say, anyways. Violet is what’s important. She is definitely perty, that thar’s fer sher. Smart, why she’d win a blue ribbon in smarts at the county fair, and funny, when she was a makin’ fun o' me at the party, I had to step behind the barn and privately laugh to myself. I thanks she’s a fine a woman as God ever did make. And I’ma sayin’, “the world must be peopled.”Here comes Violet. O my goodness, she is a perty thang: I thank I do spy some marks of love in her. Enter VIOLET VIOLET Against my will I am sent to ast you to come in an’ eat. BUBBA Sweet Violet, I thank you for yer trouble. VIOLET It twernt no trouble, Bubba, if’n it twer trouble, I wouldn’t a come. BUBBA Well then, did you enjoy comin’ to git me? VIOLET Why sher, as much enjoyment as you’ll take upone this knife’s point. What’s the matter with you? Ain’t you hungry? I’ll be a seein’ you inside after I visit the outhouse, yunder. Exit BUBBA Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to ast you to come in an’ eat;' thar's a double meanin’ in that. “It twernt no trouble, Bubba, if’n it twer trouble, I wouldn’t a come.” Well, it’s as plain as the nose on yer face. The girl is horribly in love with me, and I’m horribly in love with her, too! YeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enter BUBBA
BUBBA
I jus’ ain’t believin’ how Abner kin jus’ lose all o' his good sense in one day. Ever since I know'd him, him and me has seen eye to eye when it comes to women. He, out a all people ought to understand that one woman ain’t never enuff for any man. Wher did I go wrong. It twernt that long ago when you could count on Abner to have yer back in a fight. Ta go fishin’ or huntin’ with ya at the drop of a hat. I remember when he’d walk five miles just to see a new litter of bird dogs. Why nobody in these here parts is half as good with a gun as Abner. And now, what’s to become o' that ol’ boy. He’s spendin’ his time writin’ love letters and a warin’ his Sundy shoes. If’n you wast to tell me that a woman coulda wrapped that boy around her little panky and pulled him around by that big ol’ nose o' his, I’d a calt you a big fat lar! One woman is perty, I understand; another is smart, I’m OK with that, too, another pure as the driven snow, that’s a fine quality, too; but till all good qualities be in one woman, one woman shall never catch Bubba Washburn. (pause) Rich she must be, that's certain; wise, or I can’t stand to be around her; perty, or I'll never look at her; sweet, or come not near me, be able to play the banjo or fiddle, that’d be nice, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! Cap’n Jethro and Monsieur Love! I’ll hide afor they be a seein’ me.
Withdraws
Enter JETHRO, ABNER, and JEDEDIAH
JETHRO
Come, sang us a song, Elvis?
ABNER
I’ll say it is a perty day fer some music.
JETHRO
See you whar Bubba hast done hid?
Enter ELVIS with Music
JETHRO
Come, Elvis, we'll hear that song again.
ELVIS
Shucks, Cap’n, don’t make me sang agin. You know I can’t really sang.
JETHRO
Don’t be that way, Elvis. I tell everbody I see, “That Elvis is one dang good sanger!”
ELVIS
Well, don’t say I didn’t warn ye, here goes nuthin’.
BUBBA
Please don’t be one o them darn love songs. Anythang but that.
The Song
ELVIS
Listen ladies, gather 'round
Men aint nuthin' but liars.
If'n ya try to sweet talk them
They'll tangle ya up like briars.
They caint never make up thar minds
Don't matter if yer ugly or purty.
So blow your nose an wipe yor eyes
An' call 'em somethin' dirty.
Pine no more, I say pine no more
'Cuz fellers is rotten and mean.
It's been that way since they wuz made;
A goodern I aint nerver seen.
JETHRO
What did I tell ye. Dang good job, Elvis. We appreciate it.
ELVIS
I tol’ you I twernt no sanger.
JETHRO
You done good, Elvis.
BUBBA
If’n he’d been a dog that howled that bad, they’d done hanged him.
Exit ELVIS
Now what were you a sayin’, JEDEDIAH. What was it you told me the other day, that your niece Violet was in love with Mr. Bubba?
ABNER
I woulda never believed that that woman would be in love with any man.
JEDEDIAH
No, no, I neither; but ain’t it most peculiar that she would fall in love with Bubba Washburn who she pretends to hate like a two headed mule.
ABNER
Is't possible?
JEDEDIAH
From what I heerd, she’s got it bad fer Bubba.
JETHRO
Maybe the whole thang is just a lie?
JEDEDIAH
I say NO WAY, Jethro, that girl possesses the most passion of any woman I ever met.
JETHRO
Why, what effects of passion does she show?
ABNER
Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.
JEDEDIAH
What effects, Cap’n? You tell me, you heerd my daughter tell you how.
ABNER
She shore did.
JETHRO
I can’t believe whut you jus’ tol’ me. That’s AMAZING!
BUBBA
I should thank this be a trick, but ol’ Pappy Jedediah always speaks the truth.
ABNER
He’s a fallin’ for it, don’t stop now.
JETHRO
Jedediah, hast Violet done tol’ Bubba how much she loves him?
JEDEDIAH
Heck No; and swars she never will: that thar’s her torment.
ABNER
'Tis true, indeed; even Daisy tells me that Violet says she'd sher nuff die if’n Bubba finds out.
JEDEDIAH
Beulah done tol’ me that Violet sits up in her bed ever night, tryin’ to write Bubba a letter to tell him, but just can’t do it.
ABNER
He probly couldn’t read it a anyway.
JEDEDIAH
After she writes the letter, my daughter says Violet tears it into 1000 pieces.
ABNER
Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; "O sweet Bubba! Why can’t I tell you that I love you?”
JEDEDIAH
She dost indeed; my daughter says so.
JETHRO
It would be a shame if Bubba was ta find out about it from someone else, other than Violet.
ABNER
No matter who he finds out from, he’d jus’ make fun o' her and move on.
JETHRO
That would be a shame, cause she’s deep down a good, sweet lady, fit for a king.
ABNER
Smart too!
JETHRO
Smart about everthang but cept lovin’ Bubba.
ABNER
Daisy thanks surely she will die; for she says she will die, if he don’t love her back, and she will die, if’n she make her love known, and she will die, if he woos her. Therefore, she will jus’ keep actin’ like she hates him.
JETHRO
I can’t say as I blame her. He would jus’ scorn her. He is disagreeable, honory, moody as a mockin’ bird.
ABNER
But, he does have him some potential.
JETHRO
He looks good.
ABNER
He is perty intelligient.
JETHRO
He can be good fer a good laugh er two.
ABNER
And he ain’t afeerd o nuthin’.
JETHRO
Yer right fer sure. Bubba does have him a passle o good qualities. Well I fer one am sorry fer your niece. Should we go find Bubba, and tell him of her love?
ABNER
Jethro, we can’t never tell ‘im. It’s jus’ not our place to. Out of respect for that lovely Violet.
JEDEDIAH
I jus’ hope she tells him afor it’s too late.
JETHRO
Bubba’s a great guy, but I wish he could see how much he has done hurt such a good person.
JEDEDIAH
Oh well Cap’n. It’s time to eat. Let’s go on in. Bubba and Violet are really none of our business, anyways.
ABNER
If he ain’t hooked, cleaned, and fried, then I don’t know how to catch fish.
JETHRO
Now let’s leave the rest to Daisy, Beulah, and Sally Ann.
Exit JETHRO, ABNER, and JEDEDIAH
BUBBA
[Coming forward] This can’t be no trick. They didn’t know I was a hid’n over there. They gots theys information from Daisy who wouldn’t lie. They seem to genuinely pity Violet: it. It must all be true. She must Love me! But why? I’m a thankin’ I might love her too. Now I been a hearin’ about what they was a sayin’ about me. You know, about how I been mean to Violet, and likes to make fun o' her and such, and how I always been one to like the ladies, and how I sher likes to go a huntin’ and fishin’ whenever I git a hankerin’. And I reckon I’m guilty o' makin’ fun o' men who gits themselves married when they catch a big case o' the stupids. I would imagine if’n I marry Violet, they’ll be a makin’ fun o' me fer all them hateful thangs I been a sayin’. But heck. Don’t a man change his mind some time? Sher, I know'd I done said that I’d rather die than take a wife, but when I said that, I didn’t know I’d live long enuff to git married. What does it matter whut them varmints say, anyways. Violet is what’s important. She is definitely perty, that thar’s fer sher. Smart, why she’d win a blue ribbon in smarts at the county fair, and funny, when she was a makin’ fun o' me at the party, I had to step behind the barn and privately laugh to myself. I thanks she’s a fine a woman as God ever did make. And I’ma sayin’, “the world must be peopled.”Here comes Violet.
O my goodness, she is a perty thang: I thank I do spy some marks of love in her.
Enter VIOLET
VIOLET
Against my will I am sent to ast you to come in an’ eat.
BUBBA
Sweet Violet, I thank you for yer trouble.
VIOLET
It twernt no trouble, Bubba, if’n it twer trouble, I wouldn’t a come.
BUBBA
Well then, did you enjoy comin’ to git me?
VIOLET
Why sher, as much enjoyment as you’ll take upone this knife’s point. What’s the matter with you? Ain’t you hungry? I’ll be a seein’ you inside after I visit the outhouse, yunder.
Exit
BUBBA
Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to ast you to come in an’ eat;' thar's a double meanin’ in that. “It twernt no trouble, Bubba, if’n it twer trouble, I wouldn’t a come.” Well, it’s as plain as the nose on yer face. The girl is horribly in love with me, and I’m horribly in love with her, too! YeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!