ACT 2. SCENE I. In Front of JEDEDIAH'S house.
Enter JEDEDIAH, ALVIN, DAISY, VIOLET, and others
JEDEDIAH
Tweren’t Cap’n Jethro’s brother Butch here at supper?
ALVIN
I aint seed nary a sight nor sound o' him, brother.
VIOLET
Somethin’ about that guy, just gives me the heevy jeevies.
DAISY
He does go ‘round all the time like someone done went an shot his fav-o-rite coon dog.
VIOLET
He’s about the onliest man around these parts that makes Bubba Washburn look good.
JEDEDIAH
Come on Violet, Bubba’s not all that bad. What git’s yer goat ever time Bubba walks by?
VIOLET
The onliest good quality in any man is his money, and that includes yer good ol’ boy, Bubba Washburn.
JEDEDIAH
What in the world are weun’s goin’ to do with you. We aint never gonna catch you a husband with a mouth like yorn.
ALVIN
She’s too ornery! That’s fer danged sure!
VIOLET
I am too ornery for any man and I don’t want any of these here men fer nothin’ in the world.
If’n I catch one with a beard, then I won’t kiss ‘em. And I catch one without a beard, then I won’t know whut to do with ‘em. One that’s got a beard is more than a boy, and one that ain’t got one is less than a man; and him what’s more than a boy ain’t fer me, and him what’s less than a man, I ain’t fer him.
ALVIN
[To DAISY] Well, niece, I trust you’ll do as yer pappy tells ya’ tonight.
VIOLET (TO DAISY)
Now Daisy, when it comes to gittin’ hitched, you marry the one that you want, not the one your pa fixes you up with. Are you a hearin’ me girl?
JEDEDIAH (TO VIOLET)
Well, niece, I’m a hankerin’ to see you hitched yerself one day.
VIOLET
Not till God makes man out of somethin’ othern dirt. When He does that, then maybe I’ll pay more attention!
JEDEDIAH (LOOKS TO DAISY)
Daughter, remember what I done told you: if the Cap’n woos you like I thank he will, you know what to say? Right?
VIOLET
Daisy, you make fer certain ever thangs the way you want it before you say “Yessum” to any o these misfits! Are you a hearin’ me girl?
JEDEDIAH
Niece, yer about as sharp as a good huntin’ knife, ain’tcha?
VIOLET
Yep, an I got a good eye too, Uncle; I can see a church by daylight.
JEDEDIAH
Best make room fer everbody, brother. I can hear ‘em comin’ cross the crick a whoopin’ an a hollerin’.
All put on their masks. Enter JETHRO, ABNER, BUBBA, ELVIS, BUTCH, OTIS, BEULAH, SALLY ANN and others, masked
JETHRO (to Daisy)
Hey, thar, would you be of a mind ta take a walk with me?
Drawing her aside(NOTE: During the dance, as each couple speaks, they dance to the front of the stage for their part)
ELVIS
I’m a hopin’ that you’d be a likin’ me.
BEULAH
You’d be skeedaddlin’ if’n I don’t, cause I got me a whole passel o’ faults.
ELVIS
Name just one.
BEULAH
Well, I say my prayers out loud.
ELVIS
That’s haint no fault; that thar’s a good thang.
BEULAH
I need a good dancer or I can’t dance atoll.
ELVIS
At least, give me a try.
BEULAH
Well, I’m a guessin’ onc’t can’t hurt nuthin’
ELVIS
YeeHahhhhhhhhhhhhh……..
SALLY ANN
I know that’s yuin’s under that mask, ALVIN.
ALVIN
Taint neither!
SALLY ANN
I know’d you by that thar giant head on them little bitty shoulders.
ALVIN
I ain’t a lyin’- I ain’t Alvin!
SALLY ANN
I know your him, cause I’m a sittin’ down wind o you!
ALVIN
Fer the last time, I ain’t neither!
SALLY ANN
I hoped to do better, but fer this dance, but I guess you’ll do.
VIOLET
Won’tcha be a tellin’ me who told you so?
BUBBA
No, I won’t. You’ll just have ta be a forgivin’ me.
VIOLET
Well, by thunder, at least tell me who you are.
BUBBA
Not now.
VIOLET
Yer about as bad as that thar Bubba Washburn.
BUBBA
Who's he?
VIOLET
I am sure you know him well enough.
BUBBA
I reckon I don’t!
VIOLET
Did he never make you laugh?
BUBBA
I done tole you, I don’t know the man.
VIOLET
Why, he is the village fool: a very dull fool; the only thing he’s good at is bad mouthin’ others; he ain’t even funny; he’s just mean; all men and women can barely tolerate the man, as soon as he walks away from ‘em, they just make fun of ‘em.
BUBBA
Well, I guess when I meet this man, I’ll be a tellin’ him what you said.
VIOLET
You jes do that. He'll have some spitefull thangs to say about me, and then he’ll up and bore you to tears with one a his paint dryin’ stories he so likes to tell; and on top o that, hain’t none o them stories near ta bein’ true.
Music
Great, now we gotta play foller the leader.
BUBBA
I thank they’re a hollerin’ at me over thata way.
Dance. Then exit all except BUTCH, OTIS, and ABNER
BUTCH
It’s a truth fer shore. My brother is head over heals for Jedediah’s daughter Daisy and he’s a gonna pop the question tonight. He’s done already gone an got permission to marry her from Jedediah himself. She’ll be a makin’ me a fine sister and a good wife fer my brother, Jethro, I’m a thankin’.
OTIS
He tol’e me the same thang, Butch. Congradulations!
BUTCH
You there, ain’t you Mr. Bubba?
ABNER
You shore must know me well to be a catchin me so soon! I be Bubba Washburn alright.
BUTCH
Bubba, I know you and my brother are close as a seed tick on a hound dog. Do you thank you could ask him fer me if’n I could walk Daisy down the aisle?
ABNER
Air you shore he loves her?
BUTCH
I heard him double dog swear it this afternoon.
OTIS
So did I too; and he swore he would marry her to-night.
BUTCH
Anyway, come on, let’s git back to the dancin’.
Exit BUTCH and OTIS
ABNER (TALKING TO HIMSELF)
I had to pretend I was Bubba, so’s I could hear the truth from the Cap’ns brother, They wuz a thankin’ I was Bubba and didn’t know I was really ABNER.
Now, my ears is afire with this most horrible news. Shore nuf, Cap’n Jethro wooes for himself. Friendship is a sure thang except when it comes to love an such.
Well, I hope yer happy together Cap’n an Miss Daisy.
Good riddance! Goodbye forever, Daisy. I’m glad to be shed o’ both o’ yuins.
Re-enter BUBBA
BUBBA
Abner, is ‘at you?
ABNER
None t’other.
BUBBA
Come over here with me.
ABNER
Whar?
BUBBA
To see if the Cap’n hast got your Daisy.
ABNER
I hope they’ll be a livin’ happily ever after.
BUBBA
What? You gone crazy? Do you thank Cap’n Jethro would do you that way, after all weuns been through together?
ABNER
Leave me alone, Bubba. I got two eyes, don’t I?
Exit
BUBBA
He’s actin’ mighty strange tonight. I don’t know what’s got inta him. But that Violet should know me, and not know me! The Village Idiot! Ha? I can’t help it if’n Im just a funny guy. Violet should be a knowin’ that everbody don’t make fun o me. They don’t. Do they?
Re-enter JETHRO
JETHRO
You seen Abner?
BUBBA
I just spoke at the lovesick mule headed thata way and I thank I told him the truth in sayin’ that you had got a “Yes” from Daisy and a OK and a daury from Jedediah and that all thangs was hunky dory. But after I told him, he said some might pe-culiar stuff..
JETHRO
Well, I’ll be.
BUBBA
It’s just a strange night all the way around.
JETHRO
By the way, that Violet is madder’n a wet hen at you. She said you had greatly wronged her tonight.
BUBBA
By thunder, it was her that was a wrongin’ me. She told me, not thinking it was me, that I was Capn’ Jethro's jester, that I was more borin’ than watchin’ grass grow; she was a sayin’ that nobody likes me an’ that everbody makes fun o me behind my back. Ever word that heiffer says stabs like a knife. If her breath wuz as terrible as her words, there’d be no living with her! I would hope that some ole witch zaps her from the face o this earth as mean spiritedness follows her ever move.
JETHRO
Woe, now! Speak o the devil and hyar she comes!
Enter ABNER, VIOLET, DAISY, and JEDEDIAH
BUBBA
Cap’n, will you command me to vamos to any corner of the world? Missouri or Tennessee, I don’t much keer; Send me anywhar; even New York City; Anywhar but cheer! Aintcha got no whar to send me?
JETHRO
No whar other than right cheer.
BUBBA
No thanks, Capn’. I can’t stand that womern’s mouth!
Exit
JETHRO
Come, Miss Violet, come; you seem to have lost the heart o' Bubba.
VIOLET
I thank yer right, Cap’n Jethro. It shore seems thata way.
JETHRO
You have put him down, Missy, you have put him down.
VIOLET
Well, all I kin say, is he’s been a askin’ fer it, and I’m the one what give it to him.
JETHRO
Abner, whar you been, boy and what’s the sad look fer?
ABNER
Not sad, sir.
JETHRO
What then? sick?
ABNER
Neither, Cap’n.
VIOLET
Abner ain’t sad, or sick, or happy, or well. I don’t know what’s got inta him. He don’t hardly speak atall. He ain’t rude, mind ya, he jes don’t say hardly nuthin’.
JETHRO
I thank yer right, Violet; I may have a remedy that’ll be a fixin’ this mess. Here, ABNER, I have wooed in yer name, and fair DAISY is yorn: I have spoke with her father, and got his say so and Daisy is happier' n a old sow at the slop trough. You just name the hitchin’ day.
JEDEDIAH
Abner, you go marry up with my daughter. I’ll be right proud to be a callin’ you, son.
VIOLET
Cat got yer tongue, Abner? Say somethin’!
ABNER
Daisy, yore a mine and I’m a yorn fer ever ‘n’ ever, ifn you’ll have me.
VIOLET
Well, Daisy, either answer him or kiss him, one o the two.
JETHRO
Well Violet, it appears you have a heart after all, in spite o' what everbody else thanks.
VIOLET
Well, don’t tell nobody. I don’t bring it out too often.
ABNER
She sure nuff does, Capn’.
VIOLET
Ya’ll are about to ware me out with all this romantic love talk; I’ll not be a sittin’ in a corner and cryin’ heigh-ho for no husband!
JETHRO
Miss Violet, I will get you one.
VIOLET
Thanks, but no thanks, Jethro. That thar’s the last dad blamed thang on my mind.
JETHRO
Will you marry me, Violet?
VIOLET
Thanks fer the offer, Jethro, but I don’t wanna be married to no Cap’n. That ain’t fer me. Sorry, but I grew up a sayin’ what’s on my mind. Nothin’ personal. It ain’t you, It’s me.
JETHRO
That’s OK, I was afeared fer a minute, you might say yes!
JEDEDIAH
Niece, can you be a takin’ keer o' them thangs I was a talkin’ to you about?
VIOLET
Yessum’, Uncle Jed, Night, Cap’n Jethro.
Exit
JETHRO
You know, Jedediah, that Violet is really sumthin’, ain’t she?
JEDEDIAH
She is a tangle, that’s fer sure an’ certain, Jethro. She’s the onliest girl I know that can be sad all day, go to bed sad, dream about bein’ sad, and wake up a laughin’.
JETHRO
She jes can’t stand the idie of a husband.
JEDEDIAH
She would chew up and spit out a gentleman caller like a used up dip o' Copenhagen.
JETHRO
She were a perfect wife fer Bubba Washburn.
JEDEDIAH
Haw! Haw! They’d be done drove each other crazy side of a week’s time! Don’t know which’n would a kilt the other first!
JETHRO
ABNER, when’s the big day fer you and Daisy?
ABNER
To-morry, Jethro if that’d be alright with you Jedediah.
JEDEDIAH
Slow down, boy! Y’all gotta wait ‘til Mundy ‘cause we’ll be a needin’ some time to get thangs ready.
JETHRO
Don’t be a worryin’ Abner, I got me an idie that will make the time go by quickern a Texas jack rabbit. With the hep of all y’all, I plan to undertake a job that’d make Paul Bunyan proud. We’re a gonna hep Bubba and Violet up into a mountain of love that will make the Ozarks look like a dog tick on ol’ Blue’s nose.
JEDEDIAH
I’m in, even if it costs me three days o' work.
ABNER
Count me in too, Jethro.
JETHRO
How ‘bout you, DAISY?
DAISY
Anything to help my cousin ketch a good husband.
JETHRO
Let’s face it. Bubba and Violet are two fine people. They jes need some direction in this here life. They both be too proud to be honest with themselves. They’ll be a thankin’ us when this is over, if’n they don’t kill us first. If'n we can do this, that thar Cupid ain’t gonna have no job no more! C’mon in and I will tell you my idie.
Exit