Act 1. Scene 1. In Front of JEDEDIAH'S house. Enter JEDEDIAH, DAISY, and VIOLET, with a Messenger JEDEDIAH Ba Thundahs! Clem here, brangs us the news that Cap’n Jethro Purvis and his company of Mountain Men, comes to “Pine Mountain” this very evenin’! Messenger He’s very close behind me and oughtn’ to be comin’ down the draw to the holler any time, now. JEDEDIAH Yuins’ lost any men in this Moonshine War? Dad burnt Revenuers! Messenger Not harldy. They hain’t never messed with no Mountain men afore, I reckon. JEDEDIAH Victry smell’s sweetern molasses in the mornin’ when nobody get’s kilt. Your also a tellin’ me that Jethro’s done promoted that boy ABNER we been a hearin’ so much about. Messenger He shore nuff deserved it seein’s he’s showed bravery and mountain knowin’s far beyond Jethro’s expectations of a man twice his age, doing, in the figure of a lamb, the feats of a lion. JEDEDIAH Glad to hear it, Clem. I’d be glad ta have that boy hangin’ his hat right cheer on Pine Mountain. VIOLET I’m just a askin’, is Mr. Washburn with the Cap’n, also? Messenger I speck I don’t know nobody what goes by the name a Washburn. JEDEDIAH Whachya askin the man that fer, niece? DAISY My cousin, Violet means Mr. Bubba Washburn of Possum Junction; everbody just calls him “Bubba.” Messenger O, he’ll be a comin with Cap’n Jethro and the rest a the boys fer shornuff and about the best danged friend any mountain man ever had is that Bubba. Talkin’ bout yur good ol’ boy! VIOLET He ‘s done busniss in Pine Mountain afore, and I woudn’t be surprised if’n he pulls the same hog wash again this time around. I pray you, how many hast he kilt in these wars? Fer if’n he’s a gonna impress me, it shore as heck better be a passle full of them revenuers. JEDEDIAH I sware, niece, you slander Mr. Bubba too much; but yer shur to see ‘em soon enough, I reckin. Messenger He’s been a good hand in this here Moonshine war: And a good soldier too, Missy. VIOLET And a good soldier too Missy: Is he a good man, then? Messenger A good man indeed, Miss Violet; stuffed with all honorable virtues. VIOLET Well, I’d agree he ought ta be stuffed and put above somebody’s farplace! JEDEDIAH Don’t let her fool you, Clem. She’s jus pokin’ fun at Bubba. She hardly knows the man. VIOLET Why, pray tell does evrybody defend and praise that mule headed hog slopper! He ain’t got no learnin’. He’s not near as attractive as his horse, and he’s about as funny as bein’ trapped in the outhouse with a skunk! How could anybody with any self respect hang out with Bubba Washburn? Messenger Well Missy, right now, him an young ABNER hang out an’ they is probly the Cap’ns two best men. VIOLET O’ lawdy, Bubba’ll attach himself to ABNER like the poxy, and ABNER my never recover, I’m a thinkin’. Messenger I thank I’ll be a wantin’ you on my side, Miss Violet. VIOLET Do, good friend, do. JEDEDIAH You shore are a piece a work, niece. VIOLET Don’t fergit it, Uncle. Messenger Cap’n Jethro, I’m shore glad to be a seein’ you. Enter JETHRO, BUTCH, ABNER, BUBBA, and ELVIS JETHRO Well, if’n it aint Jedediah Hogue, Patriarch of Pine Mountain. It’s been way too long ol’ friend. JEDEDIAH Welcome, Cap’n Jethro. It’s always a pleasure to see that smilin’ face. The sun don’t shine quite as bright when yore not here! JETHRO I always said you was indeed, the Gentleman of the Mountains. Is this yore daughter all growed up? JEDEDIAH Well, that’s what her Momma always told me. BUBBA Was there ever any doubts? JEDEDIAH No Mr. Bubba; you know bettern that! JETHRO There’s your answer Bubba. Miss Daisy, I’m pleased to make the acquaintance of the daughter of Jedediah Hogue. BUBBA Well, me and evrbody in Pine Mountain is plenty thankful she don’t look too much like her pappy! VIOLET Should a knowd that was you a talkin when I heard such a intelligent statement. BUBBA What, my dear Miss Violet! are you still yet livin? VIOLET How could I possibly die and risk not hearing all the wisdom that drools from the corners of yer mouth, tubaccy breath. BUBBA As per the usual, all women ceptin’ you seem to dearly love me, and for that, I’m a thankin’ my lucky stars! But, I must admit, I truly do enjoy women, but even if’n thay wasta fall in love with me, I won’t be a fallin’ in love with any a them in the near or far future. VIOLET That should be good news to any women I know. I had rather heard my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me. BUBBA If there be any justice, men should stay clear a you as to not get their face scratched. VIOLET Scratchin’ couldn’t make a face look worse, if’n it be a face such as yours! BUBBA Well, when you’re a talkin like that, you sound just like a chicken when it gets excited! VIOLET I’d rather sound like a chicken any day than look and act like one! BUBBA I sher as heck wish my horse was as fast as yer tongue. I’m finished! No more! VIOLET You always git the last word. I remember you. JETHRO Well, that’s all good, Jedediah. Mr. ABNER and Mr. Bubba, my dear friend Jedediah hast invited us all. I tole him we’ll stay here at least a month; and he says we’re welcome as long as we want to stay! JEDEDIAH Welcome, my friends! To BUTCH Let us also be a welcomin’ you Butch. Any brother of my friend, Cap’n Jethro, is a brother o mine. BUTCH I’m a thankin’ you: I am not of many words, but I’m a thankin’you. JEDEDIAH After you, Jethro! JETHRO Come On, JEDEDIAH; we’ll be a goin’ together. Exit all except BUBBA and ABNER ABNER Bubba, did you see the daughter of Mr. JEDEDIAH? BUBBA Well, I seen her, but I really didn’t LOOK at ‘er. ABNER Is she not somethin’ special? BUBBA Do you want an honest answer, or one that’ll make you feel good? ABNER Just tell me the truth. Whadja thank? BUBBA Well, I seen bettern, an I seen worse. She’ll probly looks better the more the sun goes down. ABNER Don’t be a jokin with me Bubba. Tell me what you thank. BUBBA What wouldja give to have ‘er ABNER You can’t put a price on somethin’ that beautiful. BUBBA Shur you can, and a box to put it in too. She’s OK, but don’t be a gittin’ no ideas. ABNER Daisy is the most beautiful thang I have ever laid my eyes on. BUBBA If’n you had yourself some spectacles, you’d be a seein’ that she ain’t even as purty as her witch of a cousin. Neither one o' them girls is good enough to catch one o' us. Saayyy! You ain’t thankin’ what I’m a thankin’ your thankin’, are ya? You ain’t a thankin’ marriage are ya? ABNER I’d give up everthang, if’n Daisy would be my wife. BUBBA Are you crazy? What’n the world is wrong with you? Are there no more bachelors over 30 years of age. Am I the onliest man what got any sense left? Re-enter JETHRO JETHRO What the heck’s goin’ on here that you two ain’t joined us at JEDEDIAH's? BUBBA I’m too ashamed to say, Cap’n. JETHRO If’n you be one o my mountain men, you’ll be a tellin’ me right now. BUBBA Well, you ast fer it. You ain’t a gonna believe this, but our boy Abner, here, is in love! And are you bein’ ready fer this part. With Daisy! Jedediah’s onliest, loneliest daughter. Cousin o' that rattlesnake, Violet! ABNER I must say, I am guilty of whut Bubba done said. BUBBA El I BE! I was a hopin’ he was jokin’, but now I’m a seein’ he’s really in love. ABNER I’m a bein’ hooked like a large mouth bass. JETHRO Amen, if you love her; fer Miss Daisy would be a great catch fer any man! ABNER Are you a funnin’ with me too? JETHRO I’m a tellin’ you the truth, ABNER! ABNER I’m a tellin’ the truth, too, Cap’n Jethro! BUBBA Well, I’m a tellin’ the truth too, it’s jus differnt than ya’lls! ABNER That I love her, I feel. JETHRO That she is worthy, I know. BUBBA Well, heck! I don’t FEEL like she is WORTHY and you two done bounced on yer heads too long! That’s whut I FEEL! JETHRO Bubba never did have good sense when it comes to women. ABNER And I don’t speck he ever will. BUBBA That a woman conceived me, I’m a thankin’ her; that she brought me up, I’ll be a thankin’ her fer that also: but to tie myself down to just one woman, well that just ain’t gonna happen. I will live and die a bachelor. JETHRO One day, I’ll see you also look in puppy love, just like this’n. BUBBA Jethro, I don’t believe in love, and all ya’ll are blind that pretend thatchu do! JETHRO Well, I’ll be a hopin’ that you’ll be a changin’ yer mind one day an' prove yerself wrong. BUBBA If’n I do, hang me up like and skint cat and shoot me, cause I ain’t never coming down. JETHRO We’ll see in time my friend; even the savage bull can be yoked. BUBBA Maybe the savage bull, but you’ll never be a seein’ Bubba Washburn as a married man. ABNER I don’t thank these here mountains are ready fer a married Bubba Washburn. JETHRO We’ll jus havta see if’n Cupid’s got him some a them arraws left in his quiver. BUBBA The world will end before I take a wife. JETHRO Well, you jus remember what I said. Now, Bubba, Jedediah has prepared us a welcome feast that is getting’ cold as we speak. BUBBA All this marriage talk done made me hungry. ABNER Bubba, do you mind goin’ ahead; I’m a wantin’ to talk to Jethro alone. Exit Bubba (Otis overhears) ABNER Cap’n, can I ask you some questions? JETHRO Sure, I’m always here fer you, ABNER. What can I do fer ya? ABNER Hast JEDEDIAH any sons, Cap’n? JETHRO No child but Daisy; she's his only heir.You really like her, dontcha, ABNER? ABNER Oh, Cap’n. When I signed up with you to fight this here moonshine war, all I keered about was shootin’ and hollerin’, and jus havin’ fun. I didn’t take nothin’ serious. Ya know? But now, I feels terrible difernt inside. Like I’ma flyin,’ floatin,’ missin’ somethin’ that I never seen afor. When I seen Daisy, I’m a thinkin’ Daisy is everthang, and everthang else is jus circlin’ around on the perifial, so’s I don’t see it clear no more. JETHRO Abner, if’n you’re a wantin’ to marry Daisy, I’ll be glad to talk to Jedidiah fer ya and see if’n he’s a willin’ to have you as a part o his famly. Thays mighty good people to be a marryin’ into. ABNER Jethro, you don’t know how much I’d be appreciatin’ you a fixin’ me up like that. I can’t believe you’d be a doin’ somethin’ like that fer somebody like me. JETHRO I’m a gettin’ me a plan, Abner. I know there’s a gonna be a hoe down tonight to celebrate our arrival on to Pine Mountain. We’re a gonna wear costumes like to one o them fancy smancy masquerade balls them city slickers have. I’ll pretend that I’m you and I’ll tell Daisy whats a goin’ on, and if’n she’s of a mind to go along with a marryin’ the likes a you, then I’ll clear it with Pappy Jedediah and you be on your way to the altar, son! Exit
Enter JEDEDIAH, DAISY, and VIOLET, with a Messenger
JEDEDIAH
Ba Thundahs! Clem here, brangs us the news that Cap’n Jethro Purvis and his company of Mountain Men, comes to “Pine Mountain” this very evenin’!
Messenger
He’s very close behind me and oughtn’ to be comin’ down the draw to the holler any time, now.
JEDEDIAH
Yuins’ lost any men in this Moonshine War? Dad burnt Revenuers!
Messenger
Not harldy. They hain’t never messed with no Mountain men afore, I reckon.
JEDEDIAH
Victry smell’s sweetern molasses in the mornin’ when nobody get’s kilt. Your also a tellin’ me that Jethro’s done promoted that boy ABNER we been a hearin’ so much about.
Messenger
He shore nuff deserved it seein’s he’s showed bravery and mountain knowin’s far beyond Jethro’s expectations of a man twice his age, doing, in the figure of a lamb, the feats of a lion.
JEDEDIAH
Glad to hear it, Clem. I’d be glad ta have that boy hangin’ his hat right cheer on Pine Mountain.
VIOLET
I’m just a askin’, is Mr. Washburn with the Cap’n, also?
Messenger
I speck I don’t know nobody what goes by the name a Washburn.
JEDEDIAH
Whachya askin the man that fer, niece?
DAISY
My cousin, Violet means Mr. Bubba Washburn of Possum Junction; everbody just calls him “Bubba.”
Messenger
O, he’ll be a comin with Cap’n Jethro and the rest a the boys fer shornuff and about the best danged friend any mountain man ever had is that Bubba. Talkin’ bout yur good ol’ boy!
VIOLET
He ‘s done busniss in Pine Mountain afore, and I woudn’t be surprised if’n he pulls the same hog wash again this time around. I pray you, how many hast he kilt in these wars? Fer if’n he’s a gonna impress me, it shore as heck better be a passle full of them revenuers.
JEDEDIAH
I sware, niece, you slander Mr. Bubba too much; but yer shur to see ‘em soon enough, I reckin.
Messenger
He’s been a good hand in this here Moonshine war: And a good soldier too, Missy.
VIOLET
And a good soldier too Missy: Is he a good man, then?
Messenger
A good man indeed, Miss Violet; stuffed with all honorable virtues.
VIOLET
Well, I’d agree he ought ta be stuffed and put above somebody’s farplace!
JEDEDIAH
Don’t let her fool you, Clem. She’s jus pokin’ fun at Bubba. She hardly knows the man.
VIOLET
Why, pray tell does evrybody defend and praise that mule headed hog slopper! He ain’t got no learnin’. He’s not near as attractive as his horse, and he’s about as funny as bein’ trapped in the outhouse with a skunk! How could anybody with any self respect hang out with Bubba Washburn?
Messenger
Well Missy, right now, him an young ABNER hang out an’ they is probly the Cap’ns two best men.
VIOLET
O’ lawdy, Bubba’ll attach himself to ABNER like the poxy, and ABNER my never recover, I’m a thinkin’.
Messenger
I thank I’ll be a wantin’ you on my side, Miss Violet.
VIOLET
Do, good friend, do.
JEDEDIAH
You shore are a piece a work, niece.
VIOLET
Don’t fergit it, Uncle.
Messenger
Cap’n Jethro, I’m shore glad to be a seein’ you.
Enter JETHRO, BUTCH, ABNER, BUBBA, and ELVIS
JETHRO
Well, if’n it aint Jedediah Hogue, Patriarch of Pine Mountain. It’s been way too long ol’ friend.
JEDEDIAH
Welcome, Cap’n Jethro. It’s always a pleasure to see that smilin’ face. The sun don’t shine quite as bright when yore not here!
JETHRO
I always said you was indeed, the Gentleman of the Mountains. Is this yore daughter all growed up?
JEDEDIAH
Well, that’s what her Momma always told me.
BUBBA
Was there ever any doubts?
JEDEDIAH
No Mr. Bubba; you know bettern that!
JETHRO
There’s your answer Bubba. Miss Daisy, I’m pleased to make the acquaintance of the daughter of Jedediah Hogue.
BUBBA
Well, me and evrbody in Pine Mountain is plenty thankful she don’t look too much like her pappy!
VIOLET
Should a knowd that was you a talkin when I heard such a intelligent statement.
BUBBA
What, my dear Miss Violet! are you still yet livin?
VIOLET
How could I possibly die and risk not hearing all the wisdom that drools from the corners of yer mouth, tubaccy breath.
BUBBA
As per the usual, all women ceptin’ you seem to dearly love me, and for that, I’m a thankin’ my lucky stars! But, I must admit, I truly do enjoy women, but even if’n thay wasta fall in love with me, I won’t be a fallin’ in love with any a them in the near or far future.
VIOLET
That should be good news to any women I know. I had rather heard my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
BUBBA
If there be any justice, men should stay clear a you as to not get their face scratched.
VIOLET
Scratchin’ couldn’t make a face look worse, if’n it be a face such as yours!
BUBBA
Well, when you’re a talkin like that, you sound just like a chicken when it gets excited!
VIOLET
I’d rather sound like a chicken any day than look and act like one!
BUBBA
I sher as heck wish my horse was as fast as yer tongue. I’m finished! No more!
VIOLET
You always git the last word. I remember you.
JETHRO
Well, that’s all good, Jedediah. Mr. ABNER and Mr. Bubba, my dear friend Jedediah hast invited us all. I tole him we’ll stay here at least a month; and he says we’re welcome as long as we want to stay!
JEDEDIAH
Welcome, my friends!
To BUTCH
Let us also be a welcomin’ you Butch. Any brother of my friend, Cap’n Jethro, is a brother o mine.
BUTCH
I’m a thankin’ you: I am not of many words, but I’m a thankin’you.
JEDEDIAH
After you, Jethro!
JETHRO
Come On, JEDEDIAH; we’ll be a goin’ together.
Exit all except BUBBA and ABNER
ABNER
Bubba, did you see the daughter of Mr. JEDEDIAH?
BUBBA
Well, I seen her, but I really didn’t LOOK at ‘er.
ABNER
Is she not somethin’ special?
BUBBA
Do you want an honest answer, or one that’ll make you feel good?
ABNER
Just tell me the truth. Whadja thank?
BUBBA
Well, I seen bettern, an I seen worse. She’ll probly looks better the more the sun goes down.
ABNER
Don’t be a jokin with me Bubba. Tell me what you thank.
BUBBA
What wouldja give to have ‘er
ABNER
You can’t put a price on somethin’ that beautiful.
BUBBA
Shur you can, and a box to put it in too. She’s OK, but don’t be a gittin’ no ideas.
ABNER
Daisy is the most beautiful thang I have ever laid my eyes on.
BUBBA
If’n you had yourself some spectacles, you’d be a seein’ that she ain’t even as purty as her witch of a cousin. Neither one o' them girls is good enough to catch one o' us. Saayyy! You ain’t thankin’ what I’m a thankin’ your thankin’, are ya? You ain’t a thankin’ marriage are ya?
ABNER
I’d give up everthang, if’n Daisy would be my wife.
BUBBA
Are you crazy? What’n the world is wrong with you? Are there no more bachelors over 30 years of age. Am I the onliest man what got any sense left?
Re-enter JETHRO
JETHRO
What the heck’s goin’ on here that you two ain’t joined us at JEDEDIAH's?
BUBBA
I’m too ashamed to say, Cap’n.
JETHRO
If’n you be one o my mountain men, you’ll be a tellin’ me right now.
BUBBA
Well, you ast fer it. You ain’t a gonna believe this, but our boy Abner, here, is in love! And are you bein’ ready fer this part. With Daisy! Jedediah’s onliest, loneliest daughter. Cousin o' that rattlesnake, Violet!
ABNER
I must say, I am guilty of whut Bubba done said.
BUBBA
El I BE! I was a hopin’ he was jokin’, but now I’m a seein’ he’s really in love.
ABNER
I’m a bein’ hooked like a large mouth bass.
JETHRO
Amen, if you love her; fer Miss Daisy would be a great catch fer any man!
ABNER
Are you a funnin’ with me too?
JETHRO
I’m a tellin’ you the truth, ABNER!
ABNER
I’m a tellin’ the truth, too, Cap’n Jethro!
BUBBA
Well, I’m a tellin’ the truth too, it’s jus differnt than ya’lls!
ABNER
That I love her, I feel.
JETHRO
That she is worthy, I know.
BUBBA
Well, heck! I don’t FEEL like she is WORTHY and you two done bounced on yer heads too long! That’s whut I FEEL!
JETHRO
Bubba never did have good sense when it comes to women.
ABNER
And I don’t speck he ever will.
BUBBA
That a woman conceived me, I’m a thankin’ her; that she brought me up, I’ll be a thankin’ her fer that also: but to tie myself down to just one woman, well that just ain’t gonna happen. I will live and die a bachelor.
JETHRO
One day, I’ll see you also look in puppy love, just like this’n.
BUBBA
Jethro, I don’t believe in love, and all ya’ll are blind that pretend thatchu do!
JETHRO
Well, I’ll be a hopin’ that you’ll be a changin’ yer mind one day an' prove yerself wrong.
BUBBA
If’n I do, hang me up like and skint cat and shoot me, cause I ain’t never coming down.
JETHRO
We’ll see in time my friend; even the savage bull can be yoked.
BUBBA
Maybe the savage bull, but you’ll never be a seein’ Bubba Washburn as a married man.
ABNER
I don’t thank these here mountains are ready fer a married Bubba Washburn.
JETHRO
We’ll jus havta see if’n Cupid’s got him some a them arraws left in his quiver.
BUBBA
The world will end before I take a wife.
JETHRO
Well, you jus remember what I said. Now, Bubba, Jedediah has prepared us a welcome feast that is getting’ cold as we speak.
BUBBA
All this marriage talk done made me hungry.
ABNER
Bubba, do you mind goin’ ahead; I’m a wantin’ to talk to Jethro alone.
Exit Bubba
(Otis overhears)
ABNER
Cap’n, can I ask you some questions?
JETHRO
Sure, I’m always here fer you, ABNER. What can I do fer ya?
ABNER
Hast JEDEDIAH any sons, Cap’n?
JETHRO
No child but Daisy; she's his only heir.You really like her, dontcha, ABNER?
ABNER
Oh, Cap’n. When I signed up with you to fight this here moonshine war, all I keered about was shootin’ and hollerin’, and jus havin’ fun. I didn’t take nothin’ serious. Ya know? But now, I feels terrible difernt inside. Like I’ma flyin,’ floatin,’ missin’ somethin’ that I never seen afor. When I seen Daisy, I’m a thinkin’ Daisy is everthang, and everthang else is jus circlin’ around on the perifial, so’s I don’t see it clear no more.
JETHRO
Abner, if’n you’re a wantin’ to marry Daisy, I’ll be glad to talk to Jedidiah fer ya and see if’n he’s a willin’ to have you as a part o his famly. Thays mighty good people to be a marryin’ into.
ABNER
Jethro, you don’t know how much I’d be appreciatin’ you a fixin’ me up like that. I can’t believe you’d be a doin’ somethin’ like that fer somebody like me.
JETHRO
I’m a gettin’ me a plan, Abner. I know there’s a gonna be a hoe down tonight to celebrate our arrival on to Pine Mountain. We’re a gonna wear costumes like to one o them fancy smancy masquerade balls them city slickers have. I’ll pretend that I’m you and I’ll tell Daisy whats a goin’ on, and if’n she’s of a mind to go along with a marryin’ the likes a you, then I’ll clear it with Pappy Jedediah and you be on your way to the altar, son!
Exit